Tonight, after hugging and kissing my children 1000 times and tucking them into bed, I poured myself a second glass of wine in an attempt to drown out the events of the last four days. It finally hit me, WAR. This country is at war with itself. Webster defines war as: a state of hostility, conflict, or antagonism. We are in a constant state of hostility and conflict and like all wars there are innocent victims. As a country, we cannot agree on anything, guns, religion, mental heath. We are living in a world where someone cries "offense" and we take away things like 40 year murals, christmas trees and father daughter dances. Well, I can think of about 14 dads who are thanking thier lucky stars that Sandy Hook Elementary didn't outlaw those dances last year.
I've avoided the news since Friday to avoid knowing anything about this mad man who decided to take 27 innocent victims away from thier friends and families. Today I could not shelter myself or my children from the horror that occured only miles from our home as we went about our usual day. I spent most of the day silently mourning and crying at my desk, looking at pictures of my own children only brought on more tears thinking that if they didn't come home today what would I do?? Everything made me feel guilty, kissing my children when there are 20 mothers who will never get to kiss thier children again. Yelling at them to hurray up so we don't miss the bus, tellling them no to ice cream for breaksfast and thinking what if this were thier last breakfast???
How do we go on? How do we get things back to normal? Will we ever wake up and not think "is today the last day i'll see my children?" I hate feeling this way. It's not fair to me or my children. My heart goes out to those families, those mothers, those little angels.
As the days go on and we as a country continue to debate gun control, mental illness and safety in our schools lets remember the heros lost in this war, the teachers and administrators who gave thier lives in an attempt to save a child. Let's try to remember that none of the debates will bring back any of those lost or prevent this from happening in the future. Let's hug our children, our parents, siblings and friends and not let a day go by without saying I love you to someone who holds our heart.
This WAR will not end, we may never find a common ground on these issues but we can help our youth open thier minds and thier hearts and teach them to accept those who may be different, special, those who may just need a friend to sit with at lunch or just to talk to when they feel like thier world may be falling apart. We've all been there, we've all had that moment when we think no one has ever felt this way or thought about things this way. The answers may never be found, we may never be able to answer "why" but if we teach our children to be accepting of all people, no matter what thier beliefs may be, if they have to bring thier mom to the "father/daughter dace" or they believe in Jesus and decorate a christmas tree, maybe we can find happiness again.
My only hope is that Lilly and James are not only happy and healthy but that they don't conform to what other people tell them to be, that they continue to believe in a better world, and that they don't let somone dictate to them how they should live or feel.
*******************
Monday, December 17, 2012
Monday, September 3, 2012
The night before PreSchool
I haven't been a very dedicated blogger, I almost feel guilty that I started this and my three followers have had to wait so long for a second post. Well, what better time to re-start my blog then the night before my baby starts Preschool. I could get emotional and write a tear filled letter to him, but I think I'm going to take a different approach.
I'll start by saying the usual, I can't believe my little boy is going to school. The last four years have gone by so quickly I almost feel like I've missed them. There are moments I've realized, that you have to let your children grow and develop, I know it sounds simple and logical but as a mom you always want them to depend on you and need you for everything. I had a hard time giving Lilly her independence, it took some time for me to realize she could do things like pick out her clothes, carry her own lunch and even brush her own teeth. I gave into these requests to "just let me do it" because I still had James to hold my hand. Each time she took a step away James was starting to do something NEW that he needed me for.
Now, it's time for him to take that first important step away from me and towards his independence and I'm torn about how to feel about it. There's no "kid in the pipeline" who still needs me for everything. Tomorrow he will begin having a life outside of the home, I may get a progress update from his teacher but I won't get a play by play of those 21/2 hours of his day. He'll make new friends, have new experiences and before I know it he'll be off on the bus to kindergarten. We've spent so much time in awe over how quickly Lilly has grown up to be a first grader and all the while James was getting his little self ready for the same "break" of the apron strings.
I'd like to say that Jamey and I haven't closed the book on expanding our family but truth is we realized recently that we are in a good place. Both kids are self sufficient to an extent and we don't constantly need to supervise them. The child locks have come off of most cupboards and doors, we don't have to change diapers, make bottles or spoon feed them. Most of the time they tell us what hurts, what happened and what they want. While all these are good for us and them, I can't help but feel like I'm losing part of what makes me their mom.
The uncertainty of the next stages of their lives terrifies me. James going off to school is just one more anxiety provoking moment I thought I was ready for but as that moment is now upon us I want to go back. I want to hold my little baby boy, sing to him, snuggle him till he falls asleep or make him giggle uncontrollably by playing peek a boo.
I know I have a few more years before he's going off to college but I can remember when he was born, Lilly was just getting ready to potty train and this day seemed to be so far away. Now, tonight is his first "school" night, tomorrow his first day of Preschool and possibly the last "first" day of school for me.
Like all parents I only want wants best for my children, but I don't like that it comes at an expense I have endure. I want my babies to stay babies, I want them to always need me to be around and at the same time I'm so excited for what the future holds for them. Being a mom comes with lots of bitter sweet moments, I try my hardest to embrace everyone of them, hard is it may be, life is too short. As we go forward I will take every opportunity to hold their hands, read them a bedtime story, kiss their cheeks and cherish every moment of being their mom.
Good luck tomorrow to my little man as he becomes a student in school and life, may you take every opportunity to learn, grow and I hope your dreams take you to the corners of the world and back.
I'll start by saying the usual, I can't believe my little boy is going to school. The last four years have gone by so quickly I almost feel like I've missed them. There are moments I've realized, that you have to let your children grow and develop, I know it sounds simple and logical but as a mom you always want them to depend on you and need you for everything. I had a hard time giving Lilly her independence, it took some time for me to realize she could do things like pick out her clothes, carry her own lunch and even brush her own teeth. I gave into these requests to "just let me do it" because I still had James to hold my hand. Each time she took a step away James was starting to do something NEW that he needed me for.
Now, it's time for him to take that first important step away from me and towards his independence and I'm torn about how to feel about it. There's no "kid in the pipeline" who still needs me for everything. Tomorrow he will begin having a life outside of the home, I may get a progress update from his teacher but I won't get a play by play of those 21/2 hours of his day. He'll make new friends, have new experiences and before I know it he'll be off on the bus to kindergarten. We've spent so much time in awe over how quickly Lilly has grown up to be a first grader and all the while James was getting his little self ready for the same "break" of the apron strings.
I'd like to say that Jamey and I haven't closed the book on expanding our family but truth is we realized recently that we are in a good place. Both kids are self sufficient to an extent and we don't constantly need to supervise them. The child locks have come off of most cupboards and doors, we don't have to change diapers, make bottles or spoon feed them. Most of the time they tell us what hurts, what happened and what they want. While all these are good for us and them, I can't help but feel like I'm losing part of what makes me their mom.
The uncertainty of the next stages of their lives terrifies me. James going off to school is just one more anxiety provoking moment I thought I was ready for but as that moment is now upon us I want to go back. I want to hold my little baby boy, sing to him, snuggle him till he falls asleep or make him giggle uncontrollably by playing peek a boo.
I know I have a few more years before he's going off to college but I can remember when he was born, Lilly was just getting ready to potty train and this day seemed to be so far away. Now, tonight is his first "school" night, tomorrow his first day of Preschool and possibly the last "first" day of school for me.
Like all parents I only want wants best for my children, but I don't like that it comes at an expense I have endure. I want my babies to stay babies, I want them to always need me to be around and at the same time I'm so excited for what the future holds for them. Being a mom comes with lots of bitter sweet moments, I try my hardest to embrace everyone of them, hard is it may be, life is too short. As we go forward I will take every opportunity to hold their hands, read them a bedtime story, kiss their cheeks and cherish every moment of being their mom.
Good luck tomorrow to my little man as he becomes a student in school and life, may you take every opportunity to learn, grow and I hope your dreams take you to the corners of the world and back.
Tuesday, February 7, 2012
100th day of school
Dear Lilly,
Today was your 100th day of Kindergarten. I know, your probably wondering why I chose to start this blog on your 100th day and not your first, well I'd like to think that I have a better insight into who you are today then I did 100 days ago.
As I watched you last night counting out 100 pennies and putting them into ten baggies I started thinking about how you've changed from the child you were in preschool to the little kid you are today. You might be wondering if there is a difference, since society uses these two words interchangeably. Let me explain:
When you were a "CHILD" in preschool, your day was the same. You pretty much woke up when you wanted to, got dressed, brushed your teeth and then I would sit down with you and we'd have breakfast. Then I would drive you to school, help you out of the car and walk you to the door, handing you off to someone I would great by name, someone I would often see at the grocery store, the beach or the bank.
As a little "KID" in Kindergarten I have to make sure you are up, dressed and feed by 8am, no later. I then walk you to the bus stop where I watch you climb on board. I wave to the driver and say hello to the monitor, I have to trust that this perfect stranger will get you safely to school. He will not help you off the bus, nor will he walk you to the door and see you inside, this is all up to you to know what you have to do. Since you come home everyday I can only assume that you have mastered this part of your day.
As a "CHILD" when Mimi picked you up from school you would go to her house, have lunch that she prepared, sat with her, maybe James and watched your favorite shows while you ate.
As a "KID" you choose what you want for lunch. Hot or cold, I have to admit, I enjoy making your lunch and i'm kind of sad on the days you ask to be hot lunch. I then have to trust that you get your lunch, get to the cafeteria, sit and eat. I don't know who you choose to sit with, what you talk about or share with these friends. Since you continue to grow, I also assume that you have mastered this task with ease and have taken yet another step away from me and closer to the independant young women you will someday become.
As a "CHILD" you would love to nap in the middle of the day. It was your favorite part of the day, curling up with a movie or alone in your room and drifting off into a sound sleep for hours at a time.
As a "KID" your day is filled with exciting things to do. School takes up most of the day but then you have dance class once a week and so many art projects that you so passionately need to get out of your busy head and onto paper. You do still love movies, but if given the choice, you'd rather be playing or drawing.
As a "CHILD" I was all you needed to feel better, I was your world, no questions asked. If you fell, I put the band aid on the boo boo, if you cried I wiped the tears, if you were hungry I fed you, if you were thirsty I gave you water.
As a "KID" you have your own world. I can no longer protect you. You choose who to play with, who sit with at lunch and who to call friend. I helplessly sit by and watch as your little feelings sometimes get hurt or you feel sad. I want so desperately to take all your pain away in these moments but I realize that I no longer have the honor of being the sole person you put your trust in.
I guess my point mainly that as a child, your world consisted of what I made it. As a kid you are beginning to make your world your life and I have to give up some control over everyday decisions. Luckily, you are five, and those daily decisions maily revolve around what you wear and letting you do your own hair, even if it means letting you get away without brushing it out completely. Still, I can't help but look down the road at the next five years when the control I have relenquish to you revoloves around much more important descions, like boys, bedtime, hair styles, clothing styles and letting you become the person you want to be, not who I think you should be. As you strugle with these choices please be patient with me, for I too am struggling with letting you go, but know this, I promise you that although I will not always say the right thing, act the right way or let you do everything you want to , that I love you, I only want what makes you happy, even if I have to sit idle and quietly stew with anger and frustration. Know too that I will think the world of you, no matter the choices you make.
For now I leave you with this, be you, be strong and be a KID as long as you can, for your sake and mine.
Today was your 100th day of Kindergarten. I know, your probably wondering why I chose to start this blog on your 100th day and not your first, well I'd like to think that I have a better insight into who you are today then I did 100 days ago.
As I watched you last night counting out 100 pennies and putting them into ten baggies I started thinking about how you've changed from the child you were in preschool to the little kid you are today. You might be wondering if there is a difference, since society uses these two words interchangeably. Let me explain:
When you were a "CHILD" in preschool, your day was the same. You pretty much woke up when you wanted to, got dressed, brushed your teeth and then I would sit down with you and we'd have breakfast. Then I would drive you to school, help you out of the car and walk you to the door, handing you off to someone I would great by name, someone I would often see at the grocery store, the beach or the bank.
As a little "KID" in Kindergarten I have to make sure you are up, dressed and feed by 8am, no later. I then walk you to the bus stop where I watch you climb on board. I wave to the driver and say hello to the monitor, I have to trust that this perfect stranger will get you safely to school. He will not help you off the bus, nor will he walk you to the door and see you inside, this is all up to you to know what you have to do. Since you come home everyday I can only assume that you have mastered this part of your day.
As a "CHILD" when Mimi picked you up from school you would go to her house, have lunch that she prepared, sat with her, maybe James and watched your favorite shows while you ate.
As a "KID" you choose what you want for lunch. Hot or cold, I have to admit, I enjoy making your lunch and i'm kind of sad on the days you ask to be hot lunch. I then have to trust that you get your lunch, get to the cafeteria, sit and eat. I don't know who you choose to sit with, what you talk about or share with these friends. Since you continue to grow, I also assume that you have mastered this task with ease and have taken yet another step away from me and closer to the independant young women you will someday become.
As a "CHILD" you would love to nap in the middle of the day. It was your favorite part of the day, curling up with a movie or alone in your room and drifting off into a sound sleep for hours at a time.
As a "KID" your day is filled with exciting things to do. School takes up most of the day but then you have dance class once a week and so many art projects that you so passionately need to get out of your busy head and onto paper. You do still love movies, but if given the choice, you'd rather be playing or drawing.
As a "CHILD" I was all you needed to feel better, I was your world, no questions asked. If you fell, I put the band aid on the boo boo, if you cried I wiped the tears, if you were hungry I fed you, if you were thirsty I gave you water.
As a "KID" you have your own world. I can no longer protect you. You choose who to play with, who sit with at lunch and who to call friend. I helplessly sit by and watch as your little feelings sometimes get hurt or you feel sad. I want so desperately to take all your pain away in these moments but I realize that I no longer have the honor of being the sole person you put your trust in.
I guess my point mainly that as a child, your world consisted of what I made it. As a kid you are beginning to make your world your life and I have to give up some control over everyday decisions. Luckily, you are five, and those daily decisions maily revolve around what you wear and letting you do your own hair, even if it means letting you get away without brushing it out completely. Still, I can't help but look down the road at the next five years when the control I have relenquish to you revoloves around much more important descions, like boys, bedtime, hair styles, clothing styles and letting you become the person you want to be, not who I think you should be. As you strugle with these choices please be patient with me, for I too am struggling with letting you go, but know this, I promise you that although I will not always say the right thing, act the right way or let you do everything you want to , that I love you, I only want what makes you happy, even if I have to sit idle and quietly stew with anger and frustration. Know too that I will think the world of you, no matter the choices you make.
For now I leave you with this, be you, be strong and be a KID as long as you can, for your sake and mine.
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