I haven't been a very dedicated blogger, I almost feel guilty that I started this and my three followers have had to wait so long for a second post. Well, what better time to re-start my blog then the night before my baby starts Preschool. I could get emotional and write a tear filled letter to him, but I think I'm going to take a different approach.
I'll start by saying the usual, I can't believe my little boy is going to school. The last four years have gone by so quickly I almost feel like I've missed them. There are moments I've realized, that you have to let your children grow and develop, I know it sounds simple and logical but as a mom you always want them to depend on you and need you for everything. I had a hard time giving Lilly her independence, it took some time for me to realize she could do things like pick out her clothes, carry her own lunch and even brush her own teeth. I gave into these requests to "just let me do it" because I still had James to hold my hand. Each time she took a step away James was starting to do something NEW that he needed me for.
Now, it's time for him to take that first important step away from me and towards his independence and I'm torn about how to feel about it. There's no "kid in the pipeline" who still needs me for everything. Tomorrow he will begin having a life outside of the home, I may get a progress update from his teacher but I won't get a play by play of those 21/2 hours of his day. He'll make new friends, have new experiences and before I know it he'll be off on the bus to kindergarten. We've spent so much time in awe over how quickly Lilly has grown up to be a first grader and all the while James was getting his little self ready for the same "break" of the apron strings.
I'd like to say that Jamey and I haven't closed the book on expanding our family but truth is we realized recently that we are in a good place. Both kids are self sufficient to an extent and we don't constantly need to supervise them. The child locks have come off of most cupboards and doors, we don't have to change diapers, make bottles or spoon feed them. Most of the time they tell us what hurts, what happened and what they want. While all these are good for us and them, I can't help but feel like I'm losing part of what makes me their mom.
The uncertainty of the next stages of their lives terrifies me. James going off to school is just one more anxiety provoking moment I thought I was ready for but as that moment is now upon us I want to go back. I want to hold my little baby boy, sing to him, snuggle him till he falls asleep or make him giggle uncontrollably by playing peek a boo.
I know I have a few more years before he's going off to college but I can remember when he was born, Lilly was just getting ready to potty train and this day seemed to be so far away. Now, tonight is his first "school" night, tomorrow his first day of Preschool and possibly the last "first" day of school for me.
Like all parents I only want wants best for my children, but I don't like that it comes at an expense I have endure. I want my babies to stay babies, I want them to always need me to be around and at the same time I'm so excited for what the future holds for them. Being a mom comes with lots of bitter sweet moments, I try my hardest to embrace everyone of them, hard is it may be, life is too short. As we go forward I will take every opportunity to hold their hands, read them a bedtime story, kiss their cheeks and cherish every moment of being their mom.
Good luck tomorrow to my little man as he becomes a student in school and life, may you take every opportunity to learn, grow and I hope your dreams take you to the corners of the world and back.
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